From My thoughts on cheating I mentioned some forms of cheating many partners have complained about and I also asked a question of “What type/form of Cheating is forgivable and can be forgone by you?”
As the world is now, breakups caused by
cheating is increasing by the day and we are all confused on how to deal with
cheating especially on what to do after one partner notices the other cheating.
And you ask yourself, “Should I forgive or just breakup?”
When you love someone it feels like you’re in a nice,
safe, love-infused bubble that no-one can penetrate. Then,
overnight, with a confession or a discovery of cheating, that bubble bursts. And
you suddenly feel flattened, empty.
Some partners do survive infidelity but
only if both of you honestly think the relationship is worth it and the guilty
person is prepared to do everything it takes to win back your trust and love.
This will help you decide and guide you
through the process of recovery.
STEP ONE: Are they worth another chance?
Some cheating partners don’t deserve to be
forgiven. Ask yourself these five crucial questions.
Have they cheated on other people in the
past?
If someone has developed a pattern of
cheating over and over, they will continue to do it again (and again) until
someone – hopefully you (if you are of great value to him/her) – dumps them
brutally and they realize they can’t get away with it. No second chances in
this case, Ever!
Why did they do it?
A one-off incident with seemingly genuine reasons to
explain is a lot easier to forgive than repeated slip-ups or a long-term
affair. Put yourself in his/her shoes: if you were him/her, feeling the way
him/her did, in the situation they were in, what would you do? Can you
understand it? Is it reasonable?
What do you think they will do if they're
in the same predicament in the future?
What guarantees can he/she give you that
it won’t happen again? Do you think he/she would do it again in the future? Do
you trust his/her promise to you?
How was your relationship when it
happened?
You’ll be much more likely to forgive (if
not forget) if you were aware your partner was unhappy, the relationship wasn’t
great and you were suspicious. If you thought you were blissfully happy and
didn’t notice a single sign that anything was wrong, it’s desperately hard to
trust again. If there were no clues last time round, how will you know if it
happens again?
Do they regret what they’ve done?
They should be even more miserable about
the pain it’s caused than you are. They should feel bad about it.
STEP TWO: Give each other space
Your first reaction will be to want to
cling onto him and not let him out of your sight. Don’t!
There are two things you need to establish
at this point: that you mean business and their behavior is not acceptable and
that you have dignity. You need this time to logically sort through your
emotions. Start a diary of all your emotions and your questions and use it make
a list of questions you need answers to at the end of the time apart. This is
also the time to watch if he/she really wants you and fight for you back.
STEP THREE: Meet up
This isn’t a kiss and makeup session. This
is a meeting to decide if there is enough worth saving. Warn your partner there
are lots of questions you still need answered. If they're not prepared to
answer them, forget it. If they are, start asking. This will be incredibly
painful but it’s essential you get honest answers to what you need to know. Armed
with answers, do you feel reasonably confident you’ll both pull through and
there’s still enough to work with? Now’s the time to move back in or start
seeing each other regularly again.
STEP FOUR: Build a new relationship
Your old relationship, the damaged one, is
dead. You now need to build a new one. Yes this is sad, but it’s also exciting.
Just think! It may well end up even better than the first in lots of ways! What
will be missing though, is innocence and trust which in no time, you will build
them.
The aim is to replace this with other
qualities, like, ‘We are survivors – even this didn’t break us up.’ You will
feel insecure and you will feel angry. You will fight about it, over and over,
to begin with. This is normal.
To get through it,
you need to set some rules for the new relationship. These are specific to you
two but you might want to think about things like telling each other where you
are all the time, checking in during periods that might be hard for you to cope
with, sending lots of reassuring texts. It is possible to move on and build a
stronger relationship after cheating.+4
STEP FIVE: Be prepared to change
All of the above looks after you, the
wronged party. But as much
as it should be skewed to look after you, it’s unfair to discount your partner’s
needs. Your partner cheated for a reason. What did they get from this new
person that they couldn’t get from you? Who were they with the new person? When
partners have been together a long time, it’s hard to reinvent yourself and get
your partner to see you as someone ‘new’.
Were there parts of themselves that felt
satisfied with the other person that aren’t being satisfied with you? What are
they? Explore ways to help him be able to do this with you.
One final question that I am asked all the time: when will I
feel better and the pain go away?
The answer is this: time heals wounds that
are able to be healed. In six months, you should be feeling
better most of the time; one year on, trust should be developing again. If it’s not, it’s time to move forward.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, someone reading through the comments could and can just be inspired/motivated/Learn from your comment shared.
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